The Best Worst New Year’s Show Ever!

Well folks as the first week of the new year comes to a close, and everyone is doing their traditional routine of returning crappy gifts, recovering from terrible new years eve hangovers and hoping that they didn’t do anything that would have been regrettable later. we can all look back at the presenters who helped us ring in 2013. I was away from home volunteering for the Emerald Nuts Midnight Run in Central Park, while the rest of the world are eying in on Times Square to watch the ball drop. But sometimes, not everything goes well in every locally broadcast event during this time. For the poor people of Los Angeles ended up being the butt of the start-of-the-year joke.

An independent station KDOC wanted to host its very first new years eve show that’s heavily sponsored, hosted in front of the world-famous Chinese Theater and hoped for the best this will be the norm for the rest of their livelihoods as a non-affiliate TV station. Unfortunately here in New York, Kathy Griffin trying to go down on Anderson Cooper can not compare to what went down on First Night 2013 manned by an inept production crew and hosted by wait for it…

…This guy!

English: Jamie Kennedy at the 2010 Comic Con i...
Remember him?

What supposed to be you typical, run of the mill and overly cliché new years eve show went down in history as the worst special ever! A total train wreck of a special made up of people who can’t run a cheap high-school play let alone a live new year’s eve broadcast. I mean really it’s a mess of the worst degree. Well here, see for yourself.

Update as of 5:36 PM: Both videos have been removed by KDOC, those assholes. It’s the argument of intellectual property and all that crap that got YouTube on the hunt to remove any trace of the videos that were put up online. Best guess is just them removing any evidence of their stupidity. Luckily for me, I saved my copies for future reference.

It all started a long time ago with Kennedy announcing the show First Night from a Carls’ Jr restaurant looking like a mess in on itself announcing the show and shamelessly pitching the product for a hot chicken burger. Yeah like we need chicken in a culture that prefers that if we want burgers, we want them with beef. Leave that shit on the bone from the bucket.

This prentensious comment brought to you by Carl's Jr.
This pretentious commentary brought to you by Carl’s Jr.

Anyway comes the night of the show and you can already see for those who just caught up on this has gone terribly, terribly wrong. Only the people of LA (apparently 70 of you) have watched the entirety of the show and ether changed the channel for a better show at Times Square or spend that better time going to an actual party to ring in the new year. I can break this down piece by piece so lets go!


1. F and B-Bombed (Brought to you by Carl’s Jr.)

It’s often professional that you need to work out all the kinks during a live show because you can’t edit or quickly edit out any mistakes or expletives fast as they come up but in the first 30 seconds of the video you can already see that happening and you probably wondering if there are any media watchdogs dusting off their fine clubs and the FCC having an orgasm for such a display. Jamie isn’t doing good, well he’s doing jack shit looking like a kid with a bad haircut in and grown-ups suit while the cameras were supposed to be keyed into Stu Stone and Shannon Elizabeth seconds ago. In this part shows that the crew really don’t know what they were doing as seconds into the interview BOOM! They got burger bombed by the new jalapeño chicken burger before going into black. Speaking of which…


2. Rolling Blackouts

This is the technical side’s fault, like I said earlier and this was during a segment when they were trying to switch over to a video that was supposed to show something but who cares, again to any video production students, use this as an example.


3. This Woman

See that woman in the far left of the picture. In those few seconds alone you can tell that you as a “correspondent” suck when the spectator is doing a better job than you while acting like an ass. But hot damn I love her for doing it, she’s mugging it like a pro! Also this proves by her that A) it was ether written and B) done over a teleprompter for her to lip sync to what Stone was talking about. And from the way she was acting, she’s doing a better job than Stone trying to save this shipwreck of a show.


4. Macy Winehouse

Macy Gray, another figure we thought was lost to time has made a comeback here of all places and from the looks of it… Well. She doesn’t look and act too good. Looking all strung out, getting barely a roar from that massive crowd of seventy people looking like she’s channeling her inner Amy Winehouse during her performances. All ending with her singling “I Try” we all remember that one from 2001. Considering that she hasn’t made a new hit since then oh well…


5. This Guy

Stone: Here we go. What is your name sir?

Guy: Talon Motherfuckin…! *audience reacts*

Stone: Hey! It is new years eve 2013, what is your name?

Woman: His Mother.

‘Nuff Said


6. Bone Thugs-n-Fuck-omy

At this point the production crew just waved up their hands and said “Fuck It” as Bone Thugs-n- Harmony played on stage uncensored. I mean really, if the FCC didn’t catch this, what will?

What a FCC commissioner did while watching this.

As if you think the crew giving up was bad enough.


7. The Two Biggest Freaks in Hollywood

Oh. My. God. Stone wasn’t kidding when Jamie was going to present these two on stage where did he get them from a back alley trash bin or something? Talk about desperate but not as much as the colorful dialogue around the 4:20 mark:

Kennedy: Can I ask you something, do you like white boys?

Woman: I Love the hell out of some white people.

Kennedy: You know what they say, is it true what they say?

Woman: What they say?

Kennedy: They say once you go black…

Woman: …You never go back!

Kennedy: Yeah well I’m saying you should try white!

Woman: I love white!

Kennedy: Because it will keep your vagina very tight, Bleep that! Bleep that!

Gonna need a new pair before I fine up this bitch!
FCC: Gonna need a new pair before I fine up in this bitch!

That was Kennedy channeling himself at a time where he was still relevant and funny back then in Malibu’s Most Wanted now just stumbling all over the place with that line. Geez Jamie it’s:

You Should Try White, To Keep Your Pu**y Tight!

See? Shot and sweet, dammit do I have to do everything on this blog?!


8. Ringing in 2013… 10 Seconds Later

Once again we come back to blaming not only the production crew but the idiots on stage for not remembering that they have a thing called watches or cell phone clocks for checking in the last few seconds before midnight. From this badly recorded video evidence, they couldn’t get a the clock in on time and there was nothing to symbolically show to the small audience that 2013 is around the corner. But they went off anyway without finding out that midnight went past them ten seconds ago.

Not at all showing little enthusiasm before zooming into the source of this disaster’s sponsoring the Carl’s Jr star.

This horribly timed countdown brought to you by Carls jr.

Oh well at least we’re at the end of the show I can’t see how this can get any…


9. It’s Ending With A Fight


Well that’s what happened when you host a show like this, you start off bad, don’t expect to have the opposite at the end of this train wreck. And where was security in all this to stop the fight. Well at this point you might want to roll the credits of all the people who are going to need to type in their resumes tomorrow. Because you can be sure they won’t be working there again. Well at the time of this post, Jamie after this disaster came to the New York Times to tell that it was all a joke. Well to that I call bullshit the moment you came out and say it four days later. You just don’t come out and say it was all a joke now when your debacle comes out four days before and has gone viral (sigh for even saying that) and then say you’re going to have Marlyn Manson planned for 2014. There are also rumors that other celebs were supposed to be there at the time of the show but made the smart choice not to be there and with good reason.

I see this as an excuse just to save your ass for not seeing this coming. Anyway here’s to the first post of the new year and while we and hopefully most of America had their celebrations not end in disaster, the management of the Chinese theater is going to feel it with beating up the idiot who greenlit this and KDOC with hefty fines, firings and hopes that the viral popularity dies down for the next new years eve special, if they’re still around to make it.

Gonna need a new pair before I fine up this bitch!
I know they would.

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