The Employee Questionnaire

You did it, I did it, we all have done it. When you search for a job that has to deal with retail, you were told to go online or fill out a paper that would include after filling out all the required information is an hour or 90-minute terror ride of the soul. 50-150 pieces of info employers use to weed out the wimps and permanently mark you to prevent future position seeking in other positions in the same company should you re-apply because they got the same results and won’t let you take it again to see if you’re perspectives have changed. I’m talking about that bit of the application called the dreaded…

!!!Employee Questionnaire!!!

*que lighting bolts*

This image was selected as a picture of the we...
This image was selected as a picture of the week on the Malay Wikipedia for the 51st week, 2010. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

OOoooh, spooky!

But seriously you will come across this the next time you apply online and enter your info. Warning you that will be the longest session anyone would ever experienced. I know this is exaggeration but the questions and methods that would make therapists and police interrogators blush! There are methods of how companies implement these questionnaires to look deep into the employee’s mentality to see if what they do in the store comes from their upbringing or how they will represent the job that someone else can do better. Since so many people are applying for the same job and no one has the time, energy or money to see each and every one of them so by my guess a system devised to separate the ones who would win the privilege of getting an face-to-face interview from everyone else because they didn’t like what they honestly say when asked these questions. Enter the…

!!!Employee Questionnaire!!!

*que lighting bolts*

English: Lightning over Las Cruces, New Mexico...
English: Lightning over Las Cruces, New Mexico Deutsch: Blitz eines Gewitters Español: Tormenta eléctrica. Português: A eletricidade em sua manifestação natural mais imponente: o relâmpago (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This is the system. This is what they use to make sure they get what they want by expecting applicants to answer what they want to hear. While not giving two shits about what the applicant is going through in answering these questions, I mean what is the point of asking such deep questions for a job that asks you to stock shelves? But you have to do it or else you won’t get the job. I was at a city career center months ago filling out a job application for a company whose name I won’t mention that I was excited because I thought at first it was going to be a one-on-one meeting with the guy who is representing the company that is hiring for a location in south east Brooklyn. However it wasn’t that at all, it was me and everyone else faced up against a computer and asked to apply to the company via online.

The situation was different and it was the justification as of why I am writing this article in the first place. Mind though I once applied before but now he’s asking me to re-apply again with a whole new profile. Instead of going honestly with what the questions say, the supervisor in charge tells us what we should answer and for the next hour or so I have been raising my hand when I come across a question that stumped me just to be told how I should answer as opposed to just answering to the best of my ability. After that hell, I met up with him to add my name to the advance list and I had to ask him. Why, why does these questions even exist? Why are they asking them? And I got this answer:

Because they are idiots.

Wow! I thought for a professional, he would come up with an elaborate work-around the question to justify that they’re good and why answering the way they want it would get me a job. But nope, it was blunt and simple. Thanks for that. I didn’t get the job let alone any response from the center so yeah. Well a month later I decided to re-apply again to target but since my login was messed up, you guessed it, I re-applied with a whole new profile again. That would ultimately mean that I have to come face-to-face again with the horrid…

!!!Employee Questionnaire!!!

*que lighting bolts*

English: Lightning
English: Lightning (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

But facing this with a new perspective, I decide to extract while answering these questions from the site (which by after this post they’ll probably enact copy protection to their site) and kept them in a text file so that one day, when I write this I will show it to you. So the next time you apply for a job you’ll know what you’ll have to face and how there has not been a lawsuit on the levels of discrimination or the DADT era. This was a two-parter so I’ll display them one by one the questionnaire, is a series of mostly agree/disagree pieces that have no impact but these… these are the ones that you should give them the most scorn.

Part One

10. The percentage of politicians that I think are honest is:

1 . 95% to 100% 2 . 90% to 94% 3 . 75% to 89% 4 . 50% to 74% 5 . Less than 50%

What the hell does my opinion of a politician’s honest have to do with me working in the day shift at a department store? People are more worried about keeping their job than to know what their elected reps would end up doing with their jobs.

13. In high school I get/got mostly:

1 . As 2 . Bs 3 . Cs 4 . Ds 5 . Fs

This should be illegal.

14. When people I work with get really negative, I usually:

1 . Try to find out why and turn them around 2 . Let them get out of it on their own, but continue to talk with them 3 . Avoid them until they get over with it

I would normally get away from them but then the majority would just tell them to go to hell!

16. My close friends tell me I am:

1 . Careful and serious-minded 2 . Not sure/in-between 3 . Carefree and happy-go-lucky

*sigh* I guess from here I can display the rest and you can tell me what you think, but I’ll save my commentary for the best ones.

16. My close friends tell me I am:

1 . Careful and serious-minded 2 . Not sure/in-between 3 . Carefree and happy-go-lucky

22. I am:

1 . Much more positive than most 2 . Slightly more positive than most 3 . About as positive than most 4 . Slightly less positive than most 5 . Much less positive than most

23. I have sometimes been described as “cocky”:

1 . Yes 2 . Not sure/in-between 3 . No

33. The number of times I have been elected or named the leader of a group (e.g. team captain, spokesperson, chairperson, etc.) is:

1 . 0 2 . 1 3 . 2 to 3 4 . 4 to 5 5 . More than 5

34. I find it easy to trust other people:

1 . Yes 2 . Not sure/in-between 3 . No

40. Most people:

1 . Are completely honest 2 . Are basically honest and tell only “white lies” 3 . Not sure/in-between 4 . Will tell you what they think you want to hear 5 . Will lie if they think it will help them and they won’t get caught

43. I pride myself on being:

1 . Truthful, even blunt 2 . Not sure/in-between 3 . Tactful and considerate

45. There are leaders and there are followers. Viewing myself as objectively as possible, I am:

1 . Much more of a leader than a follower 2 . Slightly more of a leader than a follower 3 . About as much a leader as a follower 4 . Slightly less a leader than a follower 5 . Much less a leader than a follower

48. I believe that the percentage of the U.S. population that cheats when they fill out their federal tax returns is:

1 . 10% or less 2 . Less than 25%, but more than 10% 3 . 25% to 50% 4 . 51% to 75% 5 . 76% or more

49. Regarding my savings habits, I:

1 . Regularly save a set amount 2 . Save when I get extra money 3 . Do not save due to limited means

Or maybe that, I’m applying for this damn job because of what you just said. Idiot!

50. If I were suddenly asked to talk to a group of co-workers without warning I would:

1 . Find it very uncomfortable and have nothing to say 2 . Not sure/in-between 3 . Find it easy to talk to the group at some length

Part Two

Now this goes into from the too-deep questions to scenarios and what-would-you-dos of on the job but it felt really funny that I had to answer these.

2. Suppose we contacted your most recent supervisors (or teachers). How would they most likely describe the speed with which you complete your assignments?

A . Much faster than others B . Somewhat faster than others C . About the same as others D . Slower than others E . I don’t know

3. Which of these statements have you found to be most true in jobs you’ve held so far?

A . Most supervisors listen to and consider employees’ ideas B . Some supervisors listen to and consider employees’ ideas C . Some supervisors listen, but few consider employees’ ideas D . Most supervisors don’t want to hear employees’ ideas E . I have never held a job

The last answer is what got me and felt it had nothing to do with what is asking me to say. The real answer is that most supervisors would most likely would take ideas but just end up crediting them as their own. Or at least that’s what the horror stories say about it.

9. In the past year, how many times were you late for work (or class)?

A . Never B . 1 or 2 times C . 3 to 5 times D . 6 or more times E . I have not worked (or had a class) in the past year

20. Suppose we contacted your most recent supervisors (or teachers). How would they describe your dependability?

A . Much better than my coworkers (or classmates) B . Somewhat better than my coworkers (or classmates) C . About the same as my coworkers (or classmates) D . Worse than my coworkers (or classmates) E . I don’t know

24. There is a lot of truth to the saying “some rules are made to be broken”

A . Strongly agree B . Somewhat Agree C . Somewhat Disagree D . Strongly disagree

30. In your opinion, what percent of safety rules don’t do much good?

A . 0 percent – All safety rules do some good B . 1 – 5 percent – Nearly all safety rules are good, but a few don’t do much good C . 6 – 25 percent – The majority are good, but many are not D . 26 – 50 percent – A large percent of safety rules do no good E . 51 percent or more – A majority of safety rules do no good

31. In 10 years of driving, how many traffic tickets (other than parking tickets) do you think a typical driver would receive?

A . 7 or more tickets B . 5 – 6 tickets C . 2 – 4 tickets D . 0 – 1 ticket

Why does this company need to know this unless I was taking a position that needs for me to drive a truck? WHY?!

32. In your opinion, the single greatest reason for accidents is…

A . Worker fatigue or stress B . Management’s inattention to safety C . Bad luck D . Poor maintenance of equipment E . Employees who “cut corners” with safety rules

Or how about, self-conscious people who are haunted by stuff like this?

33. One theory about on-the-job injuries or accidents is that a certain amount of them cannot be avoided, that injuries and accidents are a “way of life” in industry. What percentage of on-the-job injuries or accidents do you think are unavoidable?

A . More than 60 percent B . 45-60 percent C . 30-44 percent D . 15-29 percent

What theory?! I just want to work! Only a government agency would have those stats. God this is so fucking stupid!

34. How would you describe your life style in terms of taking “calculated” safety risks?

A . I have never taken a safety risk B . I hardly ever take a safety risk C . I take a safety risk now and then D . I often take safety risks E . I take safety risks every day

35. How do you feel about this statement: “A careful employee can prevent nearly all on-the-job accidents.”

A . Strongly disagree B . Somewhat Disagree C . Somewhat Agree D . Strongly agree

38. Fran, a supervisor, is always looking for ways to make the work process more efficient. This morning, an opportunity to improve the process has come up. If not taken by noon, the opportunity will be lost. The trouble is that company policy says the improvement can’t be made without clearance from the safety office. The safety office can’t be reached. If you were Fran, what would you do?

A . Go ahead and make the improvement; look for a way to show that the company policy shouldn’t apply in this case B . Go ahead and make the improvement; tell the safety office later that you tried to reach them C . Go ahead and make the improvement, while ensuring that those who make the improvement work safely D . Go ahead and make the improvement; the efficiency increase outweighs the safety rule in importance E . Lose the opportunity to make the improvement

This is what I had to face when I answered these questions and I followed the method from the session and would have you know it, I got the privilege of getting into a phone interview. Spoiler alert! I didn’t get it. But what I have to go through to get this far will haunt me and it will continue until I get full-time work that won’t make me feel a sense of dread entering the job that I’m aiming for. Seeing it as nothing more than a “thing for a paycheck so I won’t starve”. Instead of something more. Some places even judge you not for just answering questions, but just for how long you answer them. Macy’s is one of them by outright telling you that they’ll time you in how long you answer each question.

This is that state of employment people, when employers expect too much and potential candidates go for so little with every advice on resumes, interviews and many other things. Not one has tips or advice or some kind of resolution to the mounting issue of the employee questionnaire. But I wish that something would come along that would better devise a way to better find a suitable employee and not put them through the gauntlet of things just for the privilege of scanning blankets, working the register and mopping floors for 8.70 an hour.

So consider what I just posted up there when you go out into the workforce, struggle to find the job that you want or settle for something less. Don’t forget that you will be asked to apply online and you will have to go through what I and millions of Americans went through and will do it again. In order to get that job, they will put you through…

The Employee Questionnaire

*que lighting bolts*

Lightning over Pentagon City in Arlington, Vir...
Lightning over Pentagon City in Arlington, Virginia. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Good luck applicant, you’ll need it!


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